1 |
Q:
Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments. |
2 |
Q:
What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything. |
3 |
Q:
What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness |
4 |
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb. |
5 |
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change
it and one to both change- and not-change it. |
6 |
Q:
What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the
computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana. |
7 |
Q:
How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest. |
8 |
Q:
What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in
return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless
gift.
To
which the giver replied, "Thank you." |
9 |
Disciple:
"Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"
Master: "Ask that post over there."
Disciple: "I don't understand"
Master: "Neither do I." |
10 |
Q: How do I become a Lama?
A:
Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years.
Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary
(500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing
lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates
until you can argue every side of every controversy equally
well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their
commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti.
In additional to that study, you must master several forms of
meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three
years.
Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself
a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere
and give you money.
Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for
misery can bear. |
11 |
Driving
in India
A
monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road.
The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing
a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door.
The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma
ran over your dogma." |
12 |
Wise
blind elephants
Six
wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like.
Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were
like by direct experience.
The
first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans
are flat."
The
other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human,
agreed. |
13 |
The
other side
One
day a young Buddhist on his journey home, came to the banks
of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in
front of him , he pondered for hours on just how to cross such
a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit
to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other
side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher
"Oh wise one , can you tell me how to get to the other
side of this river"?
The
teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and
yells back "My son, you are on the other side" . |
14 |
Monastery
Life
A
young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church
by hand.
He
notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made
even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked
up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.
The
head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He
goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault
that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and
nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We
missed the " R" ! , we missed the " R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word
was... CELEBRATE !!! " |
15 |
Oranges
There's
this wonderful story about the first meeting between Kalu Rinpoche
and Zen master Seung Sahn:
The two monks entered with swirling robes - maroon and yellow
for the Tibetan, austere gray and black for the Korean - and
were followed by retinues of younger monks and translators with
shaven heads ...
The Tibetan lama sat very still, fingering a wooden rosary (mala)
with one hand while murmuring, 'Om mani padme hung,' continuously
under his breath. The Zen master, who was already gaining renown
for his method of hurling questions at his students until they
were forced to admit their ignorance and then bellowing, 'Keep
that don't know mind!' at them, reached deep inside his robes
and drew out an orange. 'What is this?' he demanded of the lama.
'What is this?'
This was a typical opening question, and we could feel him ready
to pounce on whatever response he was given.
The Tibetan sat quietly fingering his mala and made no move
to respond.
'What is this?' the Zen master insisted, holding the orange
up to the Tibetan's nose.
Kalu Rinpoche bent very slowly to the Tibetan monk next to him
who was serving as the translator, and they whispered back and
forth for several minutes. Finally the translator addressed
the room: 'Rinpoche says, What is the matter with him? Don't
they have oranges where he comes from?' |
16 |
Crossing
the river
Prince
Gautama who had become Buddha saw one of his followers meditating
under a tree at the edge of the Ganges river. Upon inquiring
why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting
to become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha
gave him a few pennies and said: "Why don't you seek passage
with that boatman. It is much easier." |
17 |
The
Bird and the Shit
Once
upon a time, there was a little bird who refused to fly south
for the winter. His friends tried to convince him that winter
was coming and he should go, but the little bird was adamant.
Finally, his friends left on their journey, but the little bird
remained behind. Pretty soon the weather turned bitter cold.
The little bird began to shiver. After a while, he decided he
had made a mistake, so he too headed south. But he was too late
and the weather descended upon him. As he flew, ice formed on
his wings. He grew more and more weary until finally he fell
to earth in a cow pasture, freezing and exhausted. He was convinced
he was going to die. As he lay there, freezing to death, a cow
came by and crapped on him. The manure warmed his body and wings.
The bird realized he would live. He was so happy, he began to
sing. A cat was passing by and heard the singing. The cat dug
into the manure, uncovered the bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is necessarily your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is necessarily
your friend.
3. And, if you're happy in your own pile of shit, keep your
mouth shut. |
18 |
Hot
Dogs
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."
Then
when he pays, and the hot dog vendor offers the Buddha his change,
the Buddha says, "change must come from within." |
19 |
What
do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Zen Buddhist?
A person who knocks on your door for absolutely no reason at
all. |
|