The Great Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn't very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?

On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.

After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moshe, "He says to me, 'You Jews have three days to leave.' So I said: 'One!'" Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews ... we stay right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.

While in Singapore on business, Sam Goldstein is amazed to find a synagogue, and since it's Friday night, he walks in. Services are in Hebrew and Chinese.

Afterwards, the Chinese Rabbi greets Sam and asks whether he’s Jewish. When he replies “Yes”, the Rabbi says, "Funny, you don't look Jewish!"

A rabbi, a priest and a minister boarded the Space shuttle on a special tour of outer space. The minister and the priest were in awe of the beauty of H'Shem's world as they gaze at the earth form the shuttle.

They were starring at the Rabbi because he was all disheveled. The Rabbi tallit was all tangled in his beard, his kippah on the side of his head, his tefellim all out of place and he was sweating and breathing heavily.

The priest and the minister asked him "what is the matter and why are you so winded and all messy?" The Rabbi answered them: "Oy, oy, the sun goes up and the sun goes down over and over again, so on with my tallit and my tefellim over and over again.......this keeps happening over an over again and I cannot keep up!"

The chief rabbi of Israel goes to vatican city to have a conference with the pope. After the pope and chief rabbi had their conference, the pope pulls out a telephone and starts to dial a number. He then starts an intensive converstaion. After the call, the pope could see that the rabbi was curious what was going on. The pope says "I was just talking to G-d, would you like to?" The rabbi says sure. The pope says ok but it will cost 25,000 dollars. The rabbi says I must daven too. He pays, then dials and davens to G-d, and then returns to Israel.

A year later the pope comes to Israel on one of these confrence trips. At the end of the conference, the rabbi pulls out a phone, dials and davens to G-d. When he was finished, he offered the phone to the pope and said the call will cost 25 cents. The pope asks the rabbi why he is charging him so cheaply. The rabbi replys "from here it is a local call."

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.

He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.

So Moisha explained: "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"

Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.

The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

Q: How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: First call a committee meeting, then perhaps we can make a meaningful decision.

Q: How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends.

• One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity from nuclear power.
• Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.
• Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb."
• Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psyho- halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

Q: How many Shlomo Carlebach hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gevaldt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real loose, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four

• one to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does,
• one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does,
• one to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does,
• and one eventually to change the bulb.

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.

Q. How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it is still burning bright.

Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant vee should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.

They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."

The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."